Mom Has a Great Idea

It was late in the evening and mom had been in bed for a couple of hours, suddenly she came into the living room with her eyes squinted, her mouth all wrinkled and puckered without her dentures and hunched over from the coolness of the evening. "I have a good idea" she said as she sat close next to me on the couch. 'What is your idea mom?" "I think I should move out and get my house.  Close by here and close to Sylvia. I can be on my own and cook for myself and you can come to take me places. You can do what you like and I can do what I like, Okay?"  She gave me a broad toothless smile.  "Let's talk it over tomorrow". "Okay, we talk with Sylvia too".  She got up, a little shaky, but with a happy step went back to bed. "Goodnight." She said as she went back to her room.  "Goodnight, Mother."

The last few weeks, we have had some very lucid conversations.  They are sandwiched between times of other extremes. I have observed more frustration, stubbornness and a bit of anger.  The trouble is she realizes that she is losing more and more independence and she doesn't like it!  She has been restless.  No longer happy to sit and listen to a podcast, or watch her music on the videos.  She pays little attention to any TV. Getting her to bathe has been a big challenge. She often has a scowl on her face.  Sometimes she absolutely denies the fact that I am her daughter, Norma. 

Her tenderness towards the Lord is still very present. Although her prayers are short and sweet where before we could spend quite a bit of time praying together.  Her night time rituals we shared, have become quick goodnights as she would rather get ready on her own. She rarely takes a nap, so she goes to bed very early.
Usually around 5:30 p.m. since it gets dark so early from the time change.  Every once in a while she goes to bed REALLY early, like yesterday at around 3:00 in the afternoon.  She got up around 8:00 p.m. and had a glass of warm milk and went back to bed till 8:00 a.m.    And when she determines it's time for bed, there is no convincing her otherwise. 

Another new development is that she has no joy going to church.  Her world is getting smaller and smaller.
We have many conversations of her not feeling like she belongs here at our home. She says she would like to be with family.  I then remind her of the fact that she IS with family and I am her daughter. She sometimes 'gets it' and other times she just stares at me like I am lying.  Mom often asks where all the other residents are? When the dining room will be open, and what's going on with activities?  Makes me feel like I am not offering her enough stimulation.  I try to think of activities but she shows little interest in doing things.  Decorating the Christmas tree was of no interest.  She misses being needed and helping others.  She told me that one day. 

She does enjoy going shopping still. We have fun doing that together.  Groceries, errands and things.  The other day I took her for a nice drive.  We ended up being hit in the rear fender by a car and I pulled over and mom was completely unaware of the accident. It's amazing.

Precious Betty with Mom.  Betty told me once that her ministry was to "Make my mom happy"

Betty and Beverly still come to care for her so we can have time away.  It normally goes pretty well.  One day for the first time she got upset with Betty and told her to go home.  Luckily I was working in my office and Betty could leave with no problem.  You know what?  Mom actually rehearsed what happened time and time again and was very remorseful for being cross with her.  She asked me to call her and apologize.  That was a pleasant surprise.

So once again it is fascinating to see the progression of this disease. 

The strain of having anyone stay with you in your home adds a certain amount of stress, but having a person who demands so much attention and unpredictability is even more stressful.  Michael and I's time away from the situation is absolutely essential to our sanity.  Even the dynamic of the extended family is well 'different'.
The kids hesitate spending the night as more than once they have had my mom give them a surprise visit in the middle of the night.  No matter how much they love her...it's not easy to be around her for extended period of times. 

We've had some funny experiences in public which again has become normal rather than an occasional happening.  And mom is fast..I usually cannot catch her on her way to approaching a stranger.  At the checkout this past week she put her arm around a lady and said "You're my sister".  People usually take a glance my way and I give them an apologetic smile and shrug my shoulders. Everyone without exception is very understanding and will play along.   This lady said..."Yes, how nice to see you again."  So our casual shopping trips are not ever relaxing these days.  Making it even more difficult is she believes people are laughing at her when in reality they are just smiling.  At the salon the other day she walked quickly up to a lady and got very close to her face and said "What are you laughing at me for?"  Can I say "Awkward"?

Being a full time caretaker is just stressful. Its hard and on the other hand continues to be very rewarding.
I have to say I feel God's grace in giving me the patience daily to keep it up.  Are there difficult times? "Of course".  The most difficult is to see her in the 'In between'.  Knowing what she is certain of and realizing she is completely wrong. Another challenge is when my husband needs me and at the same time Mom needs me. It rarely happens and Michael is usually very understanding but I do feel a tug of war and I am in the middle.

One night, I have to admit I completely lost it...men sometimes don't hear what you are saying..."I am exhausted, can we talk about this tomorrow?"  Even a 'Please can we talk about this tomorrow?' did not
get my message across.  I screamed in my bed pillow got up and stomped around and went outside and just paced back and forth.  I looked up to the stars and took some deep breaths. Tears finally came and I just prayed I could release some frustrations.  I knew I had a lot bottled up.  God was faithful... Michael was sorry and I was able to sleep and renew my strength for a new day.

Another Glimpse Into Our Life with Mom

Believe it or not mom escaped the baracade.  I don't know how she did it but it happened after a very wrestless evening.  It was Saturday night and Michael had put his two guitars, a laptop bag and a case of instruments by the front door, ready to go for our children's ministry at church the next morning.  In retrospect I believe she saw the 'luggage' and thought we were going on a trip.  She came out of her room no less than twenty times, dressed and ready for church.  I had made the mistake of letting her know that she was going to spend time with Sylvia and going to church in the morning. "No, mom, it's still Saturday, let's get you back to bed". "Oh? Really?"  She would back to her room and 2 minutes later, there she was again.

 I finally assisted her back to bed, and I decided to lay in bed with her.  Funny mom would start snoring within a few minutes (pretending to sleep) then she would hop up and say "Boo!"  Well, that wasn't working. So we stayed up a bit and she asked if she should pack up everything and asked where we were going?  I hadn't put two and two together with all of Michael's stuff by the front door until the next morning. Finally she layed down and would drift to sleep and then suddenly she would sit straight up and get out of bed with the mission to get dressed. Eventually she told me that she would be all right and she wanted to read for a while.  I was exhausted and later I checked on her and she finally did sleep. 

The next morning she got up and spent some time with Sylvia.  I was able to go to church on my own although we had to leave early because Michael was not feeling well. But there has been additional surprising behaviors and I feel I should actually be writing them down while they are happening because they are so 'out there' it's practically impossible to relay them later.  For instance, she started growling like a dog while walking down the hallway.

Once she told me to whisper because we were in a contest, she started taking small baby steps and saying shhhhh shhhh, they can hear us.   Mom has started hiding a great deal of clothes under her bed. I cannot find her glasses again. Thank goodness I have a back up pair.  The other morning I wanted to give her a shower after she had agreed to do so.  I turned on the light in the bathroom and she quickly came over to search for the switch to turn off the light and she hit me.  (Not hard) But then she refused to bathe. I decided to help her dress and she said to be quiet "they can hear us"....I went to open the blinds and she hit me agian, 'No, no,no."  I finally said "Okay, mom, you need to go back to bed. You don't have your smiles this morning." Surprisingly she did without a fight and woke up later much happier.  This pattern has happened a few mornings.  Bathing has become a real challenge.

Today she got up and came in the hallway...'You people, what are you doing, I have to move from here'.  "Okay mom, we'll talk about it".  She had just had gotten out of bed and was barely awake.  10 minutes later, she was fine.  One word fits all this behavior and it is "Bazaar".  Betty, her friend came and picked her up for the  Senior study and as I was walking them to the car, I just looked at Betty and said one word, 'borderline'. She knew what I meant but Betty has a 'way' and just cheerily got mom in the car and they drove off.  Ahhhh a little time for myself.

This afternoon throughout the evening mom was acting very distant.  She spent quite a bit of time in her room. She shuffles clothes around, trying on this and that.  I would check on her and she was pleasant but distant.  We had dinner and she was a bit resistent to get ready for bed.  I didn't mind her staying up a little later.  She asked me if there were more 'activities' tonight and was there a meeting she was missing.  After we finally got settled into her PJ's and I went to get her some warm milk at her request, we had our prayertime.  She asked me to pray and when I was finished she said...it's so nice to have a good friend.
I realized then she had no idea I was her daughter.

I believe it's about 50/50 that she recognizes me.  The other morning she tilted her head and smiled and told me I reminded her of her daughter. After I told her I was Norma, she seemed a bit embarrassed.  Later she apologized.  Hmmm, I don't want to make her feel bad.  I may have to rethink correcting her.

As I have come back to finish this blog I have to express my thankfulness for a very pleasant day.  It is actually Thanksgiving Day.  We had a nice dinner at a community where my sister was working today. We will be celebrating Saturday with all my kids, keeping everyone off the busy freeways today. It was a very different Thanksgiving, but mom seemed to really enjoy herself and we had fun.  She has asked about getting together with the rest of the family several times, so I know she has missed everyone.  We'll make sure Christmas will be more of a family affair.

Mom's Dementia Behaviors

I realize I am extremely fortunate that my mother is on the non-aggressive spectrum of dementia behaviors. Every day we share laughter and hugs and I count that a real blessing. This could change at anytime but for now we are very thankful.

It was my turn to take mom to church last Sunday and the previous week my sister had mentioned that mom would start clapping her hands when she was excited about what the preacher was saying. This is fine if you belong to a Pentecostal Congregation but for a somewhat conservative service, it can be a bit embarrassing.
The sermon began and mom said in a somewhat loud whisper, “He is talking too fast, I can’t follow it” “Just listen…” I was taking notes and trying my best to concentrate. Well, our pastor was ‘preaching it’ and suddenly mom burst out in applause. I didn’t really hold her back too much because it was something everyone should have applauded. A kind woman behind us gave mom an encouraging word and a pat of approval. So once again Pastor Dan was sharing another awesome Scripture and mom began to applaud, but this time I held Her hands down in her lap but she fought me to give another clap session of approval.
Finally I whispered in her ear, “Mom, let’s clap only when everyone else is clapping, okay?” “Oh, okay.”
She pursed her lips and shook her head up and down in agreement. She had her hands nicely folded
on her lap and again Pastor Dan gave an excellent point. She looked at me and said “I want to clap.”
I said “Hold on, Mom, don’t do it”. She smiled and seemed to clench her hands in restraint. Frustrated with
having to hold back she suddenly said “Let’s go now, I cannot understand him…yip yip yap yap yap yap”
then she randomly pulled my friend Marilyn’s’ hair in the row right in front of us. “Mom!” I whispered.       Marilyn turned and looked with surprise,  but knew my mom so it wasn’t an issue. Now why would she do that? Earlier in the service, she had asked me if Marilyn was Sylvia. “No, Mom that is not Sylvia.” Marilyn has long thick hair like my sister so I think she really didn’t believe me and wanted to see if it was or was not Sylvia by getting her to turn around.

By this time the service was almost over so we hung in till the closing. Mom raised her hand at every invitation for a response from the pastor including a Salvation alter call. Bless her heart. We made it to the end, but it was not the most relaxing service I had attended, to say the least. On the way out the foyer, we were exchanging smiles and good-byes and suddenly she gives a firm strong tap to a young man. He turned to look and I just smiled with an “I’m sorry” expression. Let’s get home!

It’s becoming more common whenever we go in public now, that mom exhibits some odd behavior. She will grab someone and say “Hello”, like they are a long lost friend or even reach out and playfully hit someone. Yes, that is what I said, she will hit people. Not hard, but enough to get a response. So far people seem to be kind and understanding because Mom is usually giving them a big smile. I am usually giving that ‘sorry’ in a whisper or silent mouthing it. I have been tempted to get mom a button to wear that says: “Excuse my behavior, I have dementia.” I’m not there “YET!”

So this week has gone pretty well. She did have two nights in a row that she slept or was in her area (meaning she could have been wandering in her hallway and bedroom in the middle of the night) for over 15 -16 hours. Like last evening, she said, “I’d like to go to bed” “Mom it’s only 4:30, we need to have dinner” “Oh”, 2 minutes later we go through the same conversation. Again 2 minutes later. “I don’t have any hunger and I’m going to bed” she got up and gave me a kiss and said she was going to go read in her room before bed. “Okay mom, Goodnight”. I made dinner and Michael and I ate by the TV…and finally went to check on her. She was sound asleep. I closed the blind and turned on her space heater. She didn’t stir. About 10 p.m. she got up and used the hall restroom and then came out to join us by the TV.  I told her what time it was and She said, “Oh, I go back to bed.” I tucked her in and it is now 7:00 a.m. and I'm hearing her getting dressed.

She’s has an occasional mishap where we need to do some cleanup or a necessary bath. But pretty much she makes it to the bathroom in time. But that symptom of losing control is advancing. She gained a couple, three or so pounds last weigh-in but has lost the weight again within a week. Skipping dinner will have that effect. Nurse Teresa and I both realized she had two pairs of pants on and several layers of shirts the last time, so that could have accounted for the slight weight gain. She is a bit more unsteady when she gets up but overall she is doing very well.

I am doing well. Mom has been showing a great deal of affection lately and that always gives me a power boost knowing that our sacrifices are appreciated. Friends and Sibs are supportive as well. God Bless.

Time Flies when....

I cannot believe how fast time goes.  Much has transpired since my last post. Mom is doing SOOOOO well..  I don't know what the reason for the turnaround is but I'm enjoying the ride. 

All my sibs have come to visit from distant places and with every visit, her spirits seem to have been lifted to a new level.  My brother Rick came with his wife and we had a great time with lots of laughter and memories. One morning two of my brothers came and whisked mom off for a drive.  Ready or not, they were taking her. She had not been doing all that well before this little adventure away, so I was a little nervous, but she did great! They said she was laughing all the way home.

I love to see and hear her laugh.  Sometimes she laughs so hard she has to rush to the bathroom...which makes us laugh harder.  Thank goodness for the 'Depends'.  Many mornings I go into her room and she is full of giggles. It's a good sign we are going to have a good day. 

Even with mostly 'up' days, there seems to be a time every afternoon that she goes to a dark place.  She gets a certain look on her face and her mind will conjure up some type of delusion. Recently she started saying that my dad was still alive.  Only she sees him but he is alive.  I just told her, "Yes, he is so close to your heart it's like he is real".  She grabbed my arm sternly and said "He is alive."  Somehow I manage to wiggle into some kind of distraction.  But she is very stubborn sometimes.  Yesterday it was, "They took all my money,  you know".  I just cringe inside because I can't outright deny what she is saying but I cannot let her think these things are real.  Finally after several minutes I just said, "Mom, I don't want to talk about that anymore, there is nothing we can do about it today".  "Oh, okay" She shakes her head agreeing, than a few minutes later she starts that same train of thought.  I usually give her an 'Ativan' when she gets that 'look'.  It seems to help relieve the anxiety and it subsides.  I haven't figured out what triggers it. Sometimes she turns on a dime. It's just part of the disease. 

Another challenge we went through was her toes.  Everytime we went to put shoes on she complained of pain.  Was it the lack of circulation, her toe nails, or what?  It reminded me so much when my youngest daughter would have a fetish with the sock seams on the toe.  It would be an everyday struggle getting her ready for school.  Same thing, trying to get mom ready to go anywhere was a very big deal. A couple of weeks ago, I was on a search for the perfect shoe. Something that was open toe, with velcro over the top. I took her to the specialty shoe stores and every response was "No, no, it doesn't feel good".

We have finally figured out a perfect combination with one pair of shoes.  Only knee highs, white tennies, one insole on the right shoe, no insole on the left.  It was so difficult at one point it actually was difficult to leave the house. So this past week has been especially fun getting out and doing things together again.  I really enjoy our outings although her stamina has lessened quite a bit.
 
We had another issue we had to deal with in the last few weeks.  One night mom showed up in our room again in the middle of the night.  "Hi" she woke me up.  "Oh hi mom, we need to get you back in bed."  "Can I stay here with you?"  "No, better not."  I walked her back to her room and saw where she had moved the sofa table that we use to block the hallway.  So I got her back in bed and blocked the table with a bar stool.
I feel back asleep and Michael wakes me, "I heard a noise, I think your mom is up".  I go out the living room and she was standing by the double French doors trying to unlock the locks.  Back to bed she goes.  Now I really couldn't sleep.  Once again she was up and this time she had crawled under the table.  She was determined.  By this time I was fully awake and decided to sleep on the couch so I would hear her immediately.  It was a tough night.  Luckily it was the exception.  It hasn't happened since and we have a good system on two bar stools shimmied under the table with two silk plants on the top.  Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?  Hey, it took me days to get a sound night's sleep again after that disturbing night of ups and downs.
 
I have found that if I get a good nights sleep, get my morning walk in, makeup on and have breakfast before mom gets up...I can handle even the toughest day.  As long and the tough days are not stringed together in a row.  It is very reminiscent of having a toddler in the house again. 
 
Michael and I got to have a get-away for a long weekend and it was a welcomed break.  I'm so thankful for my two ladies that help in time of need.  Ruth, a long time friend of my mother's also helped by coming one morning while we were away.  Thanks Ruth.  And of course, my wonderful sister was with her all day that Sunday.  As some people say:  "It takes a villiage".  Oh is that true in our situation.

Update:  Mom actually climbed over a sofa table and two barstools and showed up in our bedroom at 6:00 a.m.  We could not believe it.  This is very shocking, amazing and dangerous. So today it was my mission to find a solution to keep her safe in her designated hallway. After a few stores I decided on a lightweight chainlink 48"X48" gate.  It was a better option than heavy raw plywood.  I'll let you know how it works.

A Shadow of Her Former Self

The quote "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get", really applies to the last couple of weeks. Mom is a box of emotions all jumbled together.  Her lovely smile is making less and less of an appearance and a new emotion that I rarely saw in my entire growing up years, is suddenly making a daily visit...anger.  I certainly understand, in her mind she is constantly trying to balance her paranoia and suspicions with her spiritual life.  It is impossible for her to distinguish between truth and lies. It is really a miserable state.

I am very thankful that we have had some very precious times with family and friends.  Her great grandchildren are a source of great joy. They seem to draw into the deep well of joy that is buried deep within  her soul.  It is so fun to witness these interactions. Yet when the company leaves, she sinks back into another world.  It's exhausting for her.

Her physical health is back on a upswing.  Her vitals are good, she is not eating well and has lost another 2 pounds in a week.  Her digestive system is out of whack and the nurse and I administered an enema yesterday.  She is refusing her baths from the aide, fortunately I was able to give her a shower yesterday and she was very cooperative.  The change in the weather has brought up a new challenge of keeping her warm.
Thankfully we purchased a very safe space heater for her room so I was able to get it toasty warm for her.
For safety purposes, it is not wise to have bathroom rugs, so I purchased a runner for the bathroom that fits snuggly between the wall and the carpet. I am really making every effort to make her happy and sometimes
I get a reward of her giving me that 'grandma hug' she is famous for. Other times we will be sitting together and she will ask me a question like: "So where were you born?"  She has no idea that I am her daughter and honestly I can't tell when the disconnect is happening. Lately she has been so 'grumpy' and 'stern' that it seems like I am merely a caretaker that is not meeting her standards.  Mom told me the other day that she wants to move to Sylvia or Norma's house.  I said, "Okay mom, we'll work on that tomorrow." A big smile came on her face.  I realize she just wants to be heard and her feelings validated!

This morning started very early.  I didn't sleep well because last night did not go well at all.  She didn't want to eat her dinner and so I joined Michael and proceeded to eat.  She was in her chair and just was sitting there like a child sulking.  Soon she got up and went to the front door and stared at the trees where she believes people in the trees reside.  Suddenly she turned and threw her shoes down on the floor and stomped towards her room.  I went in and she talked about the people wanting to take all her money.  "They want to kill me so they can get $1000 dollars, can you believe that?." Now the real challenge, listen? validate?  I cannot let her believe these delusions.  "Mom, what can I do to make you feel safe?"  "Stay with me."
We got the hot water bottle filled, and changed into her PJ's.  Before getting into the bed she got down on her knees and prayed.  Her prayers are often pleas to God to help her trust him. To not be fearful.  I laid in bed with her and I asked her if I could get her medication to help her rest?  She agreed and by the time I got back with it she was sound asleep.  She was peaceful.  Thank you Lord.

So around 3 a.m. this morning,  I checked on her and it was quiet so I went back to bed, but woke every hour listening for little noises telling me that she is rummaging through her drawers or closet.  At 5, I woke and heard a door closing.  Grabbing a sweatshirt, I went to find all the lights on in the hallway, bathroom, laundry and pantry.  She was standing in the pantry off the laundry room.  Her robe was inside out and she had a belt around her waist,a PJ top and black pants on.  Her feet were bare and she was mad.  "Why are they tricking me? Everything is open and wet."  She pointed to the cabinet doors all wide open and the laundry hanging over the dryer.  I just turned off the lights and showed her how dark it was, time to go back to bed.  She asked me to lay with her.  I warmed her hot water bottle again and stayed with her.  She would not be holding my hand, until I thought she was asleep and I tried to get up.  She grabbed my hand.  Her breathing was filled with sighs and sometimes groans. Just about the time I was going to get up and get her some meds, she fell asleep and I found myself praying, "Lord, please take her home soon".

A New Phase

Last week I quietly entered mom's room to wake her gently from a long sleep.  I had been checking on her every 20 minutes and she just was sleeping so peacefully, I didn't want to wake her.  10:30 a.m. I decided I better wake her.  She roused and made the statement..."The Lord touched me and told me I am going to die today. It's time, I'm ready to go."  I crawled into the bed with her and held her, letting her express herself.  Her breathing pattern changed and she started to do her jerking motions.  I gently spoke about heaven and seeing Dad, stroking her arm.  She just stroked my arm back and it was a sweet time. 

My brother had an extended visit, and it was amazing to see mom rally her health.
She was eating and on a pretty good schedule.  She sometimes took a nap and on other days she was energized and stayed up. She didn't want to miss a thing.  I'm not saying she was lucid and making sense but she did pretty darn good.  Larry was wonderful with her and made her laugh.  One time he was looking through a paper and had her arm around her.  I will treasure the picture in my mind and the recording in my mind.  "ooohhh, hot air balloon rides! You want to go on a hot air balloon ride, mom?  Oh look, a wedding photographer.  You want to get married again mom?"
It was halarious, and mom was getting such a kick out of it.  We also managed to get mom to be a Chargers Football fan, as reluctant as she may of been, the peer pressure of all sitting and cheering the team on, she had to cave in!

One thing I knew for certain, when Larry left we would see a huge decline. I didn't know how 'right' I would be. That final goodbye for Larry was sweet. He had his private moments with her the day she had declared she was dying. That's when he really said his "Good bye". I am thankful to the Lord that when Larry left, she had rallied once again to have a nice breakfast with him.  God is good all the time!

When I was putting mother to bed after taking Larry to the airport, we talked about Larry. "Larry couldn't come." She expressed with sadness.  "Mom, Larry was here and we had a wonderful time...he was here for three weeks."  Mom looked at me with confusion.  I never learn! Immediately I realized I should have just said. "Larry is starting a new job! He will be here when he can."  Is that lying? It's not easy knowing what to say, how to say it, that keeps her feeling her dignity.  Who cares if she has forgotten the past 3 weeks...she lives in the moment, she enjoyed them when they happened.  Her countenance changed and reluctantly she got into bed.  Well, every 15 minutes she would come out to the living room and want to talk.  I would go through the routine with her and get her tucked in after some chat time and think okay...she is going to sleep...just like the relief you feel when your toddler finally goes to sleep.

I was taking off my make-up and again I heard Michael say.."Hi Mom...mom came out clapping her hands and wanted to tell us something...we knew she was winding herself up and so I once again escorted her to her bedroom.  "What is it mom?" "I don't remember."  The next day she told me that the Lord had told her it was time to go home....to heaven.  That is why she was so happy.  Amazing.

As the morning wore on she was feeling worse.  She was having trouble going to the bathroom and she was just cranky.  It was the first time she showed a bit of aggression.  She threw her shoe across the room and then her socks and stomped her feet.  "Why is my body not working what is happening to me?"  I comforted her the best I could and offered to give her some thing to help her bowels to move. "Yes, please."  Hospice had given me a small bag of meds including suppositories and previously the nurse would come and help with these issues, but today I put on the gloves and just like a mom, you find strength to do things that are uncomfortable to help your loved ones it pain.  Within a few hours she was feeling better in that department but was completely grumpy and cross.  I couldn't get a smile out of her.
Complaining and talking nonsense.  Soon Beverly came to relieve me and I could spend sometime away from the house.  I knew it would be a challenging day for Beverly in mom's mood, but I had no idea what was about to transpire.

I got a call from a chaplain who had come to visit mom and said that mom was quite upset and had tremendous itching.  I said I was on my way home.  When I got there the chaplain was leaving and when I went inside I came to find my mom on the big leather lazy boy in her jammies.  Beverly was at her feet trying to help the pain and itching.  Mom was teary.  Beverly suggested we request a call from the nurse at Hospice. 

We talked in the other room together and Beverly explained that mom's blood was pooling at the soles of her feet.  The pain and itch was almost unbearable for her. I remembered the week before that Nurse Teresa had explained to me that mom was experiencing a 'transition' .   Her circulation was failing.  She noticed a gray tone to her complexion around her lips and eyes, and her toes were changing color.  This is why my mother could not wear her shoes...we were attributing to her toe nails, which didn't make much sense because we just had them cut.

Nurse Teresa also warned us that from now on it was going to get more difficult and ordered and oxygen machine for us explaining she may have trouble breathing and the oxygen would ease her suffering....we are talking about her dying.  This was still when Larry was here and we were both in unbelief.  No matter how much you know the fact...your emotions want to deny the enevitable.  We asked Teresa if we should get my oldest brother out to see her soon and she said "Yes, by this weekend".

So here we are on Wednesday and mom was really miserable and in tremendous pain.
Beverly helped me give her oxygen and when the nurse called, she gave us permission to administer a low dose of morphine.  Soon we had a night nurse come to evaluate mom.  Discussions of a hospital bed, a bedside commode, and a regimen of comfort drugs were given.  My eyes glazed and I had uncontrollable yawns. I was in shock that all this was coming down so quickly.  Is this it? Is mom entering the Active dying stage.  Nurse Vicki looked at me with sympathy and said she needed to make a quick call.  It was after 9:00 pm by now.  "Good news, we have someone to come be at your mother's side tonight."  It must have been evident to her that I was simply exhausted, emotionally and physically.  It was a godsend.  Mom was up and hyper with the night nurse from 12:30 on throughout the wee hours of the morning.  The caretaker could not administer meds so she woke me at 2:00 a.m. to help her with the meds.  I went easily back to sleep and woke to hear them speaking softly in the Living Room.  It's now 11:30 a.m. and mother is sawing logs in her sleep.  She had to be exhausted too.  To be continued.....

Larry, my brother is here for 10 days and it has been a wonderful boost for Mom.  She is eating again! Not much but she is eating.  This is very good news. The first few days she did not keep up with her naps and gradually it caught up with her and by Sunday she got very loopy.  She was talking much more Dutch and making no sense. But yesterday which was Monday, she got plenty of rest and she was back to 'her normal".

It will be very interesting to see how she does once Larry leaves.  I am not sure if she is eating because she is hungry or because the social enviroment is more stimulating.  How much of her not eating is linked to depression rather than her disease?  It is normal for her to rebound and degress so I will just hang on for the ride. 

We have enjoyed  the extended family making extra efforts to spend time with mom and taking such sweet pictures. Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren reminding her and me of the great heritage she will leave behind.  Our family is very blessed and it is because of Mom and Dad's faithfulness to serving God.  Their prayers for this family has impacted generations. We forget that not every family has the blessings of loving relationships and total support for oneanother.  The sweet notes I receive from my girls and neices.  my goodness, it is the wind beneath my wings.

As the social worker from Hospice was leaving last week, she looked at me with such sencerity and said,
"It's very unusual to see a family with such a large support system".  We had a meeting to give us the opportunity to ask questions about 'anything'.  Larry(my Bro), Sylvia (sister), Rachelle (my daughter) and Jenny (my daughter) plus myself were present. Shell was so sweet to distract her Grandma in the other room with Molly (my granddaughter) while we talked with Angela. Larry asked some very important questions and some of us got pretty teary.

That particular day I would have perdicted my mother was winding down her life journey.  Not eating, drinking very little water, incontinent, sleeping much more than awake.  Today...I don't know, she is doing so well.  She is sleeping quite a bit but just having her eat and seeing her joy and love abounding from her soul, for not only her family & friends but her Lord and Savior, I would perdict many more months. It's all an unknown.

One of her favorite activities right now is watching videos of the Gaithers.  Old fashioned Southern Gospel.
She claps along and raises her arms in praise and worship.  Many times she is overcome with emotion and will cry.  I let her experience her private time with God.  I am falling in love with this music because of the effect it is having on my precious mother.  Grateful for a wonderful outlet and hope it brings.

I am doing okay.  My sleep is getting better. For a while I was waking up many times a night to check on her after last weeks episodes.  We have put the heavier blockade up and it's working great.  Poor Larry had mom give him a surprise visit in the middle of the night one of the first nights he was here.  I tell you, it's very disturbing to be awakened by someone who is totally confused.  I don't think he was able to sleep the rest of the night.  Now he is very diligent to make sure the pathway to his room is secured.  It sounds so harsh to Block the hallway, but just like a child...limits are comforting and guide her gently back to her bed.

Hug your loved ones, appreciate good health!