The quote "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get", really applies to the last couple of weeks. Mom is a box of emotions all jumbled together. Her lovely smile is making less and less of an appearance and a new emotion that I rarely saw in my entire growing up years, is suddenly making a daily visit...anger. I certainly understand, in her mind she is constantly trying to balance her paranoia and suspicions with her spiritual life. It is impossible for her to distinguish between truth and lies. It is really a miserable state.
I am very thankful that we have had some very precious times with family and friends. Her great grandchildren are a source of great joy. They seem to draw into the deep well of joy that is buried deep within her soul. It is so fun to witness these interactions. Yet when the company leaves, she sinks back into another world. It's exhausting for her.
Her physical health is back on a upswing. Her vitals are good, she is not eating well and has lost another 2 pounds in a week. Her digestive system is out of whack and the nurse and I administered an enema yesterday. She is refusing her baths from the aide, fortunately I was able to give her a shower yesterday and she was very cooperative. The change in the weather has brought up a new challenge of keeping her warm.
Thankfully we purchased a very safe space heater for her room so I was able to get it toasty warm for her.
For safety purposes, it is not wise to have bathroom rugs, so I purchased a runner for the bathroom that fits snuggly between the wall and the carpet. I am really making every effort to make her happy and sometimes
I get a reward of her giving me that 'grandma hug' she is famous for. Other times we will be sitting together and she will ask me a question like: "So where were you born?" She has no idea that I am her daughter and honestly I can't tell when the disconnect is happening. Lately she has been so 'grumpy' and 'stern' that it seems like I am merely a caretaker that is not meeting her standards. Mom told me the other day that she wants to move to Sylvia or Norma's house. I said, "Okay mom, we'll work on that tomorrow." A big smile came on her face. I realize she just wants to be heard and her feelings validated!
This morning started very early. I didn't sleep well because last night did not go well at all. She didn't want to eat her dinner and so I joined Michael and proceeded to eat. She was in her chair and just was sitting there like a child sulking. Soon she got up and went to the front door and stared at the trees where she believes people in the trees reside. Suddenly she turned and threw her shoes down on the floor and stomped towards her room. I went in and she talked about the people wanting to take all her money. "They want to kill me so they can get $1000 dollars, can you believe that?." Now the real challenge, listen? validate? I cannot let her believe these delusions. "Mom, what can I do to make you feel safe?" "Stay with me."
We got the hot water bottle filled, and changed into her PJ's. Before getting into the bed she got down on her knees and prayed. Her prayers are often pleas to God to help her trust him. To not be fearful. I laid in bed with her and I asked her if I could get her medication to help her rest? She agreed and by the time I got back with it she was sound asleep. She was peaceful. Thank you Lord.
So around 3 a.m. this morning, I checked on her and it was quiet so I went back to bed, but woke every hour listening for little noises telling me that she is rummaging through her drawers or closet. At 5, I woke and heard a door closing. Grabbing a sweatshirt, I went to find all the lights on in the hallway, bathroom, laundry and pantry. She was standing in the pantry off the laundry room. Her robe was inside out and she had a belt around her waist,a PJ top and black pants on. Her feet were bare and she was mad. "Why are they tricking me? Everything is open and wet." She pointed to the cabinet doors all wide open and the laundry hanging over the dryer. I just turned off the lights and showed her how dark it was, time to go back to bed. She asked me to lay with her. I warmed her hot water bottle again and stayed with her. She would not be holding my hand, until I thought she was asleep and I tried to get up. She grabbed my hand. Her breathing was filled with sighs and sometimes groans. Just about the time I was going to get up and get her some meds, she fell asleep and I found myself praying, "Lord, please take her home soon".
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2 comments:
I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with you and grandma last weekend. Even though it was so short, the visit was memorable and happy. Like my mom says, grandma could not be in a better environment with better care. You are doing such a wonderful job, and even though grandma can't express it anymore, I know she would think so, too.
I love you.
God bless you, Norma. From reading the story of your mom, it just is so much the same as it was with my mom. I think there is a progression they follow. It can be hard to watch. They still LOOK like "mom", but so many times, "mom" isn't in there any more. I read a story in Guideposts magazine years ago about a man who would visit his dad who was in a nursing home and had alzheimers. His dad had always called him "Bud" when he was growing up but never seemed to know who he was anymore. One day after an especially frustrating visit, the man stood up to leave and said, "Good by Dad, I love you". His father grasped his hand and replied, "I love you, too, Bud". Shortly after that, his father died. But you just never know when they may be lucid and everything is clear. Those moments are precious.
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