Mom Has a Great Idea

It was late in the evening and mom had been in bed for a couple of hours, suddenly she came into the living room with her eyes squinted, her mouth all wrinkled and puckered without her dentures and hunched over from the coolness of the evening. "I have a good idea" she said as she sat close next to me on the couch. 'What is your idea mom?" "I think I should move out and get my house.  Close by here and close to Sylvia. I can be on my own and cook for myself and you can come to take me places. You can do what you like and I can do what I like, Okay?"  She gave me a broad toothless smile.  "Let's talk it over tomorrow". "Okay, we talk with Sylvia too".  She got up, a little shaky, but with a happy step went back to bed. "Goodnight." She said as she went back to her room.  "Goodnight, Mother."

The last few weeks, we have had some very lucid conversations.  They are sandwiched between times of other extremes. I have observed more frustration, stubbornness and a bit of anger.  The trouble is she realizes that she is losing more and more independence and she doesn't like it!  She has been restless.  No longer happy to sit and listen to a podcast, or watch her music on the videos.  She pays little attention to any TV. Getting her to bathe has been a big challenge. She often has a scowl on her face.  Sometimes she absolutely denies the fact that I am her daughter, Norma. 

Her tenderness towards the Lord is still very present. Although her prayers are short and sweet where before we could spend quite a bit of time praying together.  Her night time rituals we shared, have become quick goodnights as she would rather get ready on her own. She rarely takes a nap, so she goes to bed very early.
Usually around 5:30 p.m. since it gets dark so early from the time change.  Every once in a while she goes to bed REALLY early, like yesterday at around 3:00 in the afternoon.  She got up around 8:00 p.m. and had a glass of warm milk and went back to bed till 8:00 a.m.    And when she determines it's time for bed, there is no convincing her otherwise. 

Another new development is that she has no joy going to church.  Her world is getting smaller and smaller.
We have many conversations of her not feeling like she belongs here at our home. She says she would like to be with family.  I then remind her of the fact that she IS with family and I am her daughter. She sometimes 'gets it' and other times she just stares at me like I am lying.  Mom often asks where all the other residents are? When the dining room will be open, and what's going on with activities?  Makes me feel like I am not offering her enough stimulation.  I try to think of activities but she shows little interest in doing things.  Decorating the Christmas tree was of no interest.  She misses being needed and helping others.  She told me that one day. 

She does enjoy going shopping still. We have fun doing that together.  Groceries, errands and things.  The other day I took her for a nice drive.  We ended up being hit in the rear fender by a car and I pulled over and mom was completely unaware of the accident. It's amazing.

Precious Betty with Mom.  Betty told me once that her ministry was to "Make my mom happy"

Betty and Beverly still come to care for her so we can have time away.  It normally goes pretty well.  One day for the first time she got upset with Betty and told her to go home.  Luckily I was working in my office and Betty could leave with no problem.  You know what?  Mom actually rehearsed what happened time and time again and was very remorseful for being cross with her.  She asked me to call her and apologize.  That was a pleasant surprise.

So once again it is fascinating to see the progression of this disease. 

The strain of having anyone stay with you in your home adds a certain amount of stress, but having a person who demands so much attention and unpredictability is even more stressful.  Michael and I's time away from the situation is absolutely essential to our sanity.  Even the dynamic of the extended family is well 'different'.
The kids hesitate spending the night as more than once they have had my mom give them a surprise visit in the middle of the night.  No matter how much they love her...it's not easy to be around her for extended period of times. 

We've had some funny experiences in public which again has become normal rather than an occasional happening.  And mom is fast..I usually cannot catch her on her way to approaching a stranger.  At the checkout this past week she put her arm around a lady and said "You're my sister".  People usually take a glance my way and I give them an apologetic smile and shrug my shoulders. Everyone without exception is very understanding and will play along.   This lady said..."Yes, how nice to see you again."  So our casual shopping trips are not ever relaxing these days.  Making it even more difficult is she believes people are laughing at her when in reality they are just smiling.  At the salon the other day she walked quickly up to a lady and got very close to her face and said "What are you laughing at me for?"  Can I say "Awkward"?

Being a full time caretaker is just stressful. Its hard and on the other hand continues to be very rewarding.
I have to say I feel God's grace in giving me the patience daily to keep it up.  Are there difficult times? "Of course".  The most difficult is to see her in the 'In between'.  Knowing what she is certain of and realizing she is completely wrong. Another challenge is when my husband needs me and at the same time Mom needs me. It rarely happens and Michael is usually very understanding but I do feel a tug of war and I am in the middle.

One night, I have to admit I completely lost it...men sometimes don't hear what you are saying..."I am exhausted, can we talk about this tomorrow?"  Even a 'Please can we talk about this tomorrow?' did not
get my message across.  I screamed in my bed pillow got up and stomped around and went outside and just paced back and forth.  I looked up to the stars and took some deep breaths. Tears finally came and I just prayed I could release some frustrations.  I knew I had a lot bottled up.  God was faithful... Michael was sorry and I was able to sleep and renew my strength for a new day.