Independence Day 2009

If you could ask my mother if it was Independence Day yesterday...well, first she doesn't know what day it is from one day to the next, and second she is as far from 'independent' than she has ever been in her life.

Mom is and has always been a very strong women. She was always very proud of her Independence. Even in her state of Dementia she knows what she knows and believes it! For example, we were sitting on the patio swing at dusk and she was looking in the beautiful birch trees in our driveway island with great intent. "What ya looking at Mom?" "I am looking to see if they are still there." "Who?" "The people in the trees, I don't see them." I calmly said,
"Oh good, mom, your new lenses are working for you, I was hoping it would clear up your misconception of people in the trees. They were just clumps of leaves and shadows, right?"
Very perturbed she retorted: "Don't say that. I know there were people." "Mom, do you want me to tell the truth or say: Isn't that interesting?" She answered "Yes, say that". Okay mom.

We continued to swing and sing some songs. After some scripture reading, it was starting to get cool and I said it was time to go inside. We went in and proceeded to go through the routine of bedtime. She wasn't quite at the point, I knew she would be able to go to sleep so we sat on the love seat and talked (I was really hoping to watch TV and have her settle down. But she kept the conversations going.) "So are you about my age?" "I hope not, since you are my mother." I chuckled. She gave a nervous chuckle but I know for a fact that she did not know I was her daughter at that moment. Soon her eyes were closed more than they were open and I walked her to her bed. She hugged me and told me how much she loves it here and said I could come and visit anytime I wanted to. "Mom" I asked "What's my name?" She searched but nothing came up in her mind...Mind you her arms were on my shoulders and we were face to face.
"I am Norma." "My niece?" I gently explained (Not for her sake, she would probably forget but for my sake, I guess) "You have two daughters, Sylvia and Norma, and I am Norma." She hugged me and I told her to hop into bed. "Goodnight Mom." "I love ya" she replied.

Wow, the last few days, she has been forgetting who I am. Does this bother me? Surprisingly, not really. It amazes me that she allows me to care for her so intimately and think I am a friendly caretaker. I really don't know what I feel right now at this moment.

This task of being a full time caretaker is very, very taxing. More on my emotions than anything physical. Yesterday after attempting to include her in our normal social events, she became overwhelmed and said she was not feeling well and would like to leave. She did really well when we first arrived at our friends' home for the typical 4th of July party. Soon there were 8 than 12, more and more arriving as the hour passed. She was so cute, introducing herself and asking peoples names but as the number got over 20 she lost all interest in staying. So understandable.
It was too much to handle for her. I know that for sure now.

We got in the car and I left Michael to enjoy the festivities. She talked for the next 2 hours in a very lucid manner. "Norma (She knew who I was at that time) when you get older, your world gets smaller and smaller." She cupped her hands till there was no empty space and slapped her hands together..."and than your gone". She surprised me with the dramatic demonstration. "So, mom, how big is your world now?" She thoughtfully shaped her hands into about the size of a cantaloupe. "Oh good, I didn't want it to be too small" I said with relief. We both laughed about my reaction to the slap of her hands 'demo'. She turned serious and said "It's better to die young, you know?"

The conversation went from her feeling like she was a burden and how she knew how busy Michael and I are or would like to be, with the parties and goings on. When we arrived home she turned very sorrowful that she didn't know where she belonged and that she prays and prays for the Lord to take away her fears and she can't stop being afraid.

Nothing is more difficult for me than to see my mom trying to make sense out of things that I can't even make sense of. Her walk with God all these years, her love for the scripture and her assurance that God loves her yet this prayer to take away her fear, is not being answered the way we want the answer to be. I explained the best that I could that this problem is not spiritual. It is a part of growing older and could possibly be a side effect of the medications she is taking. I assured her we would do our best to find help for her.

"Hello" I heard from the front door. It was Sylvia. Mom chirped up right away at the sound of her voice! Thank goodness. We visited a while and than Sylvia stayed with Mom so I could go pick Michael up and we could grab a bite to eat. We came home and mom was much better but Sylvia looked pretty spent. She had worked most of the day at her job. Bless her heart. I was recharged and ready to take over once again.