A New Phase

Last week I quietly entered mom's room to wake her gently from a long sleep.  I had been checking on her every 20 minutes and she just was sleeping so peacefully, I didn't want to wake her.  10:30 a.m. I decided I better wake her.  She roused and made the statement..."The Lord touched me and told me I am going to die today. It's time, I'm ready to go."  I crawled into the bed with her and held her, letting her express herself.  Her breathing pattern changed and she started to do her jerking motions.  I gently spoke about heaven and seeing Dad, stroking her arm.  She just stroked my arm back and it was a sweet time. 

My brother had an extended visit, and it was amazing to see mom rally her health.
She was eating and on a pretty good schedule.  She sometimes took a nap and on other days she was energized and stayed up. She didn't want to miss a thing.  I'm not saying she was lucid and making sense but she did pretty darn good.  Larry was wonderful with her and made her laugh.  One time he was looking through a paper and had her arm around her.  I will treasure the picture in my mind and the recording in my mind.  "ooohhh, hot air balloon rides! You want to go on a hot air balloon ride, mom?  Oh look, a wedding photographer.  You want to get married again mom?"
It was halarious, and mom was getting such a kick out of it.  We also managed to get mom to be a Chargers Football fan, as reluctant as she may of been, the peer pressure of all sitting and cheering the team on, she had to cave in!

One thing I knew for certain, when Larry left we would see a huge decline. I didn't know how 'right' I would be. That final goodbye for Larry was sweet. He had his private moments with her the day she had declared she was dying. That's when he really said his "Good bye". I am thankful to the Lord that when Larry left, she had rallied once again to have a nice breakfast with him.  God is good all the time!

When I was putting mother to bed after taking Larry to the airport, we talked about Larry. "Larry couldn't come." She expressed with sadness.  "Mom, Larry was here and we had a wonderful time...he was here for three weeks."  Mom looked at me with confusion.  I never learn! Immediately I realized I should have just said. "Larry is starting a new job! He will be here when he can."  Is that lying? It's not easy knowing what to say, how to say it, that keeps her feeling her dignity.  Who cares if she has forgotten the past 3 weeks...she lives in the moment, she enjoyed them when they happened.  Her countenance changed and reluctantly she got into bed.  Well, every 15 minutes she would come out to the living room and want to talk.  I would go through the routine with her and get her tucked in after some chat time and think okay...she is going to sleep...just like the relief you feel when your toddler finally goes to sleep.

I was taking off my make-up and again I heard Michael say.."Hi Mom...mom came out clapping her hands and wanted to tell us something...we knew she was winding herself up and so I once again escorted her to her bedroom.  "What is it mom?" "I don't remember."  The next day she told me that the Lord had told her it was time to go home....to heaven.  That is why she was so happy.  Amazing.

As the morning wore on she was feeling worse.  She was having trouble going to the bathroom and she was just cranky.  It was the first time she showed a bit of aggression.  She threw her shoe across the room and then her socks and stomped her feet.  "Why is my body not working what is happening to me?"  I comforted her the best I could and offered to give her some thing to help her bowels to move. "Yes, please."  Hospice had given me a small bag of meds including suppositories and previously the nurse would come and help with these issues, but today I put on the gloves and just like a mom, you find strength to do things that are uncomfortable to help your loved ones it pain.  Within a few hours she was feeling better in that department but was completely grumpy and cross.  I couldn't get a smile out of her.
Complaining and talking nonsense.  Soon Beverly came to relieve me and I could spend sometime away from the house.  I knew it would be a challenging day for Beverly in mom's mood, but I had no idea what was about to transpire.

I got a call from a chaplain who had come to visit mom and said that mom was quite upset and had tremendous itching.  I said I was on my way home.  When I got there the chaplain was leaving and when I went inside I came to find my mom on the big leather lazy boy in her jammies.  Beverly was at her feet trying to help the pain and itching.  Mom was teary.  Beverly suggested we request a call from the nurse at Hospice. 

We talked in the other room together and Beverly explained that mom's blood was pooling at the soles of her feet.  The pain and itch was almost unbearable for her. I remembered the week before that Nurse Teresa had explained to me that mom was experiencing a 'transition' .   Her circulation was failing.  She noticed a gray tone to her complexion around her lips and eyes, and her toes were changing color.  This is why my mother could not wear her shoes...we were attributing to her toe nails, which didn't make much sense because we just had them cut.

Nurse Teresa also warned us that from now on it was going to get more difficult and ordered and oxygen machine for us explaining she may have trouble breathing and the oxygen would ease her suffering....we are talking about her dying.  This was still when Larry was here and we were both in unbelief.  No matter how much you know the fact...your emotions want to deny the enevitable.  We asked Teresa if we should get my oldest brother out to see her soon and she said "Yes, by this weekend".

So here we are on Wednesday and mom was really miserable and in tremendous pain.
Beverly helped me give her oxygen and when the nurse called, she gave us permission to administer a low dose of morphine.  Soon we had a night nurse come to evaluate mom.  Discussions of a hospital bed, a bedside commode, and a regimen of comfort drugs were given.  My eyes glazed and I had uncontrollable yawns. I was in shock that all this was coming down so quickly.  Is this it? Is mom entering the Active dying stage.  Nurse Vicki looked at me with sympathy and said she needed to make a quick call.  It was after 9:00 pm by now.  "Good news, we have someone to come be at your mother's side tonight."  It must have been evident to her that I was simply exhausted, emotionally and physically.  It was a godsend.  Mom was up and hyper with the night nurse from 12:30 on throughout the wee hours of the morning.  The caretaker could not administer meds so she woke me at 2:00 a.m. to help her with the meds.  I went easily back to sleep and woke to hear them speaking softly in the Living Room.  It's now 11:30 a.m. and mother is sawing logs in her sleep.  She had to be exhausted too.  To be continued.....